Where has my lovely life gone?

[boothros]

Together with my partner for 9 years and married for 8, I now find myself in a very lonely place.

My husband has told me he doesn't love me anymore and changed his Facebook status to 'separated'.

He's told me that the only reason I'm still living in this house is that I'm available to take care of our dogs. The house is in both our names, though he put in a huge deposit due to having a property to sell when we came to buy.

My husband has never hit me ever. He's blasted me with hitting words over the years but we've always laughed them off once our airs have cleared. This time, he punched me where he knew it would hurt the most. Enraged at some slight I must have performed, he proceeded to kill my laptop via hammer, blow torch and finally water. (He dumped it in the pond I built.)

Being a shy person, my laptop was my life outside of a life.
Once I wrote fan fiction, I made fan vids, I made digital art and I was a proud moderator of a big bang challenge. I also sorted out my husbands car and travel insurance, deciphered emails that he refused to read, wrote him a CV when he didn't have a job and generally did all the jobs that a person with a hugely expensive and well kept laptop could to help a non computer person out with.

The night he smashed up that computer a red mist descended and I threw a brick at his car in retaliation. I'll always be ashamed that I stooped to that level, but I paid for it dearly as when he saw what I'd done he manhandled me out of the house.

I slept in the porch and woke to the reality that the one I loved had thrown me out.
When I woke, I didn't want to live any more, I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
Throughout the day, I took nearly 150 mixed meds and just prayed to die quickly. It didn't happen, I couldn't even die properly. My sister found me after being put through hell after reading stupidly vague posts on Facebook sent from a virtually flat mobile phone.

I'm sorry for putting my loved ones through such trauma, though my situation hasn't really changed.

Husband works away for 3 weeks and in the last 2 he hasn't phoned. I wished him a happy birthday (his 50th) but he didn't respond.

I know husband wants me out of the house for good, but I have nowhere to go and I adore my home, it's my safe place. A good friend has lent me a laptop to write this on and I know I rarely post to LJ but I needed to get these words out.

I don't mind if the post is never read or responded to, I just had to write these words for me.

Comments

[ali15son.livejournal.com]

What an heartbreaking situation and I hope through time you come out a stronger person . It's easy for people to say just leave him but when you love someone it's hard to take that step . I have never met you but have had many conversations with you on LJ .I hope you find yourself in a much happier place soon , me personally I would have put a brick through his head never mind throwing one at his car .

[boothros.livejournal.com]

To think you've posted so many BEAUTIFUL posts which I havnt responded to and yet you replied to mine is humbling, thank you xx

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

I am speechless, this is beyond horrible. You're in the US, yes? I don't know what the exact legal situation would be, but if you're legally married (and even if you weren't) and the house is in both your names there is no way he can legally simply turf you out, not in a million years.
I do realise that you're not asking about legal stuff here and you undoubtedly know far far more about it than I do anyway, it's just that it's heartbreaking to read how much he is hurting you already and how much more it would hurt if he just got his way.
Forgive me, it must feel impossible when you are going through such a devastating time, but I beg you to get legal advice if you haven't already.
I am so sorry. What an appalling way to treat you.
The fact that you were so upset you did some damage to his car does not in any way detract from the fact that he destroyed your physical and intellectual property AND he physically assaulted you and endangered you by forcing you out of the house and forcing you to remain outside all night.
I hope you have support around you from family and friends to help you establish your rights and to get through this. You should have someone with you, he would not be so eager to commit assault in front of witnesses.
I hope so much that you are all right.

[boothros.livejournal.com]

I'm in the UK in Portsmouth.

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

Holy shit, it's a wonder you didn't freeze to death. That's a serious assault.
Again, forgive me, this may not be at all the kind of thing you are raising here and now, but - if you possibly can, keep a record of the details of anything like this. Contact a lawyer, or even Citizen's Advice; you might want to involve the police .... ?
All my hugs, which dog knows are not very useful :-(

[boothros.livejournal.com]

I really WASNT after support or advice in such a self serving post, but I'll take all I can get with silver bells on. I think we've met before, possibly in London?

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

Very possibly! I'm outstandingly rubbish at being able to keep nyms, names and/or faces linked in my mind until after huge numbers of repetitions (and often not even then - verging on mildly face-blind, which is apparently a thing) so I was undoubtedly muddling you up (like thinking US, when you're a fellow UKanian; my apologies).
Well it doesn't sound self-serving to me in the slightest; on the contrary this sounds like you being forced to deal with one hell of a situation. Totally regardless of the ins and outs of any verbal arguments, escalating to the physical as he has done waves all the red flags.
And yes, as unbelievable2 points out, the Citizens' Advice Bureau is free and they can point you towards the right people to answer any questions they can't.
You have legal rights in respect of ownership of the house, and of course in respect of your safety; I hope maybe a friend or your sister or whoever is best for this can help you through getting advice and help.

[hagsrus.livejournal.com]

Very very sorry you're having such horrible problems!

I'm sure you're getting masses of recommendations, but I'll just add https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

[unbelievable2.livejournal.com]

S, heliophile is absolutely right, you have to get your legal position clear and know what rights you have over the house. Why should *you* leave just because he wants you too? Thats not acceptable.
And rights in other respects too. This includes your rights to be safe and not put in danger by his behaviour, which from what you have told us is clearly both viscious and vindicative. I think you need to get advice about your personal position and your own safety. I am no expert but i believe the law has chaged recently to recognise that abuse does not just have to be physical to count. Please talk quickly to Citizens Advice as a preliminary first *free* port of call.

[cloudless-9193.livejournal.com]

So sad. I'm glad you didn't succeed with the meds, and I hope, writing it all down, helped you in some way. I wish you all the best, and the strength to cope with this difficult situation.

[boothros.livejournal.com]

Im amazed that anyone replied and I thank you for it. I'm so insular, I talk things through in my head all the time, but can never normally speak them. That's I guess why I liked my PC stuff, 'cos I sometimes got nice comments which made me feel good about myself. I haven't got that outlet now. I can't vid or write any more, my PC is gone with all the things I enjoyed about it, leaving me with little more than myself which I find soundly lacking

[murphybabe]

Oh, S, this must be devastating for you. I can't imagine what you are going through. Selfishly, I'm glad you're writing this because it means that taking all the meds didn't work. I'm so sorry that you felt so awful that you felt that was your only way out but you are worth so much more than that and I hope that you can come through this and be a strong person without him.

Practicalities: First of all, are you safe? Secondly, you must get legal advice of some sort. He has no right to throw you out of your joint home. He has no right to assault you, mentally or physically. Then, do you have joint finances? If so, go and change that before he comes back. You have an opportunity while he is out of the country. Use it. Your sister or your friend might help you, perhaps. You may still have feelings for him - I know I still did for my ex, even though he was mentally abusive. It is really hard, but you do not deserve this. You will be better without him. You will be able to vid and write again, without fear. It will be a hard time, but you need to do this. Be strong. Hugs.

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

Hell yes, that's a good point about any joint finances. Get your own money where he can't touch it asap, boothros.
And don't think for one second that you're not worthwhile; you are.

When the dust has settled and especially once you're safe (and have a new laptop, I guess)you could always see what you can put back together from any archives you've posted to, at least? Maybe put out a call on the forums too (for example, I've got copies of a couple of your stories downloaded from AO3 to my computer; now I know they're only the same as what's already on the archives, but I guess other people might have other stuff?)

[dawnebeth.livejournal.com]

Oh, my dear! I am so sorry to hear about that horrible situation. Thank God you did not die. It is so difficult to pick up after all that--your husband has been terrible. Hugs to you for finding some strength. I send you as much hope and strength as you can shoulder.

Keep moving forward. <3

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

It's hard reading this because I want to preach at you! But I won't (much). Just be safe and know you're worth it and fabulous and wonderful. Fuck him. I've been divorced for a LONNNNGGGG time (decades) so I understand it's hard to leave and/or boot him out. I raised two kids alone but man, am I glad I did! You're a woman so that means you're strong! Be strong and smart and sneaky if you have to (like get that cash and put it where he can't find it!). Don't let him have power over you. Only you can give that to him. Take care!

This is shocking.

[sweetdeath7.livejournal.com]

I read your post as it was on the LJ main side.
This is terrible, unjusticeful and humiliating. I would like to write "I feel for you", but I don't think I can imagine how it feels. (Even if I do know how it feels to be in an abusive relationship, and even if this has much to do with my being suicidal.)

I really cannot see what he thinks of himself.
Why on earth did he think he had the right to destroy your laptop - one of the most important items you owned - without further consequences?
But, when you stroke back - by throwing a brick at his car - he decided that he had the right to throw you out?! You did not destroy his car, I assume.

How dared he punch you?

And, having had to sleep in the porch... and that humiliating comment he made... I just cannot find the right words to express how shocked I am, and how much I would like to make you feel a bit better. I had been abused - and it was bad enough to make me feel worthless and want to die -, but not to this level.

I think you were too nice to him - remembering his birthday after this.

I can just repeat what the others have already written. This is a legal issue.

Are you really, really sure that you have no place to go to? Can't you stay at some family members or friends?
I understand you love that house and would not want to leave - even if he humiliated you with this comment about the dogs -, but it seems to not be your safe place.

I really hope that you find the help you need! Please keep your LJ updated about the news.

Reading between the lines . . .

[miss-whiplash.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean to pry, your post is listed on the homepage, and I just followed the link. I feel for you.

If you truly don't know what triggered him and if there isn't something else going on in his life that you don't know about then he is a bully. Silence in the face of reasonableness is a very male form of passive aggression, and the very worst thing you can do is try to push for a response - it gives him a stronger hand with each attempt you make.

You may not see it that way, but the amount of organising you do for him speaks of a certain dependency on you, that he may not even be aware of.

One thing bullying saps is self esteem - it's crippling. Doing what you are, and recording what is happening is probably the best thing you can do, but I would urge you to protect yourself and do it less publicly; make this a friends only post with him excluded. His violence towards the laptop is likely to be sufficient cause for you to get legal protection from him - and in this case maybe you should consider a restraining order.

At one time, being locked out of one's own home by one's partner counted in law as abandonment; if that is still true then you have a strong case on your side.

If you are really certain there is no going back, and given that you don't say that you love him or miss him, I suspect you do feel that, then you need to protect your interests. Mind you, if it were me I'd be looking to get custody of the dogs.

You have a sister and supportive friends, and maybe another week to protect your interests before he gets home again - use the time well.

[boothros.livejournal.com]

I'm so astounded that so many responded to my post. Me and LJ have never been comfortable bedfellows but I had to write something somewhere and having no platform on my pals laptop I chose here.

I know that you are all talking perfect sense, though I also know I won't (can't) act on your good advice.
I work full time in a responsible job, but it's low paid and I've been broke for as long as I remember.
If I could afford to get me and my beloved animals (dogs and fishes) out of this place I would.
I think I know now that I'm possibly an abuse victim, but have no easy way out.

Husband knows that I've depended on him largely (since he promised me the world) but now I can't deliver in return.
I have few funds, I'm not really ready enough to endure his adultery (even though I'm obviously lacking) and I become emotional when confronted.

Everyone on television and social media seem to be talking about wonderful things. I'm jealous of every happy couple (or even happy person) I hear about. I feel so very alone in this, but I thank you all for taking the time to comment, it means everything xxx

[sw33n3y.livejournal.com]

This is absolutely heartbreaking to hear! I'm so glad that you're still here, with us, to talk about it!

You know that your sister and rest of your family were looking out for you, so that's a good thing. Lean on anyone who can help ease you through this immediate trauma. You've started doing that by speaking here. That's a step in the right direction. If there's one thing we can do, it's be good, supportive listeners.

I have to echo those above about getting some legal advice (and personal counselling). You'll need that kind of assistance to help you move forwards.

My heart goes out to you.

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear all this. But I'm also very glad you are still with us! You've received lots of advice here, and all of it is good. You need to think of yourself and your own safety first. Please know I'll be thinking of you and wishing better things for you in the future. I'm also sending lots of hugs your way. Please take care.

[freetraveller15.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear this! All the others have given you sensible and practical advice, I can't add much to this. Please consider going to a Citizen Advice bureau (I went there myself once, for a much less important issue, and they were very helpful, pointed me in the right direction), and also Legal Aid, which offers free or low cost legal advice. Involve your family and your closest friends. Do not cut yourself off the world. You have every reason to protect yourself from him and his bullish, violent behaviour.
All the best. Stay strong.

[krisserci5.livejournal.com]

OMG - We are here to listen to anything you need to say!!

Do not leave the house. Change the lock while he is gone. There is help out there.

Again, we are here for you.

[unbelievable2.livejournal.com]

S, I've commented before about the legal stuff - which you absolutely must focus on, despite how you feel right now. I know you work very hard and have few funds, but there are ways of getting help on this, as others have said. You have clear rights and they need to be protected (and you need to make sure you personally are safe).
But I also wanted to say (based on personal experience here) I understand how you are feeling - at your very lowest, full of pain and despair and the hurt of this betrayal, and a wish simply not to go on. It's understandable; deeply, deeply understandable. I went through two years of absolute hell, with my life and emotions turned upside down, before things got on an even keel. REMEMBER! It's not a sign of weakness or failure in YOU that you feel like this - it's because of the deep betrayal that you've been attacked by.
What I failed to do at the time, and which I think contributed to my unravelling, was that I didn't get enough medical help. A friend insisted I go to the GP right away, but he was very dismissive and just said "come back when you are feeling worse." Excuse me??? At that point I was still shell-shocked. I had no idea of what was to come. Consequently I pushed on in my misery until I was in a state of complete collapse, in the blackest depression, but not understanding what depression was. Finally, on one terrible morning, I went back, to another GP, was heard sympathetically and given some meds that helped enormously in getting me to view the world in a balanced way, and able to get on with life, and really make strides on my own.
So I would say to you, go to your GP, don't stint in explaining *exactly* how you feel (not being British and stiff-upper-lipped about it is more likely to make them react), and don't leave the surgery until you get proper attention, and help in understanding how this may affect you and what they can do to get you through it.
The other thing I will say now, because it was a profound thing for me, was I remember my lovely boss at the time (female, of course...) said to me "It's times like these when you find out who your friends are, and they will be the ones who pull you through." It sounds very trite, but it was absolutely true for me, and it will be for you. too. You have loads of friends, not least here on LJ, and we are always around for you. Remember that.

[helenraven.livejournal.com]

Oh, goodness, that is brutal. Is there any practical assistance I can give you, e.g. helping to buy you a new laptop?

[kiwisue.livejournal.com]

Just saw this - I was looking in the other place for updates but I understand you posting here instead.
Everyone is giving you great advice - I'm just glad you are here and safe for now. You might feel paralysed, unable to make a move, but that's because of the shock and hurt and loss. Get some help and plan what to do next, that's really important. You have a right to stay in the house if you feel safe doing so - you have a real stake in it, as you have with absolutely everything you've built in your 9 years together. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise - and don't talk yourself down either. **hugs**

[messygorgeous.livejournal.com]

My God. My heart breaks for you.
I am so sorry that you have been going through this. The first thing I want you to know, and I mean KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt is that his behavior is not your fault so please do not blame yourself for him treating you like this. It is very tempting, when someone we love starts to act poorly toward us, to take the blame on ourselves. However, you - and NO person - deserves to be treated this way.

Next, please recognize the value of your life. Please don't try to kill yourself. This is a heartbreaking time, you feel hopeless, but living through it, surviving it means, when you get beyond the sadness, there is the possibility for new happiness, a better relationship, an opportunity to spend your next ten years with someone who appreciates you and takes care of you instead of attacking you and your property.

I have been where you are in a relationship - scared and heartbroken too. But you are more valuable than you know and deserve happiness. And on the other side of this Hell I promise you will find happiness. You just have to be strong and get there. And trust me, you are very brave and stronger than you know.

[cat57.livejournal.com]

You need to leave. There are things that can not
Be forgiven such as your husbands treatment of you. Is there a battered women's house you can go
To? A relative? Friend? Get in touch with a
Women's
Organizations
ASAP. You deserve a better life.

[monkey1976.livejournal.com]

I am a stranger but I care. His behavior is abusive and you deserve better. Please take whatever steps you need to keep yourself safe and strong. Find a woman's organization in the area and tell them what is going on. Tell your friends and family. Keep telling people until you find someone who can help. You are stronger than you think you are. More brave and talented, too.

[loyseofverlaine.livejournal.com]

Sending you strength and courage across the ether. Your story is heartbreaking, but please hang in. You're part of a community here, and we'll always listen.

[mab-browne.livejournal.com]

Very sorry to hear this, and I hope that all our well-wishes help a little, and I hope that the practical advice from your fellow UK people helps a lot. No-one has the right to destroy your property or put you at risk of harm. Please check out what your rights are in your circumstances.

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

Everyone has said everything, but I just wanted to add my very heartfelt sympathy. I'm so glad your episode with the pills was unsuccessful. Look for help wherever you can - family, friends, work, church, doctor, whatever. You say you're a fairly isolated person so seeking help will be hard but you need a circle of support. Remember people like to be needed so don't be shy about asking. And keep telling us how you are and what's going on. Quite a lot of us are in UK and might be able to offer practical help. Plus, all of us can offer to listen. I'm nowhere near Portsmouth but I'm at the end of a phone line - pm me if you want my phone number or Skype number. Or email. I have both legal and counselling training, and am retired so will listen for as long as you wish.

It was a shock to read this on International Women's Day and remember that even among our educated first world 'privileged' group there would be some who suffer mostly because they are women.

Please take care of yourself and try to realise that we all care.

[chitatel-v-lj.livejournal.com]

But what happened? Why do you think you relationship ended up like his? Just "don't love you anymore?" For no reason???

[boothros.livejournal.com]

If only I knew the answer to this question, I might have some idea of how to start putting things right.

US : Весь НЕ кириллический сегмент : Лучшие посты за вчер

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User ljrobot referenced to your post from US : Весь НЕ кириллический сегмент : Лучшие посты за вчера (http://ljrobot.livejournal.com/1560816.html) saying: [...] Where has my lovely life gone? [...]

[boothros.livejournal.com]

I'm so totally blown away by the comments I've received on this post. I've never found LJ an easy platform, even though I'm reasonably computer literate and didn't even know that I could publish posts either amongst friends or to the whole world.

miss_whiplash there is more chance of me winning Miss World than my other half ever having heard of LJ, so I'm perfectly happy to let world in. Just such a shame that so many others have similar experiences to impart.helenraven your amazing offer brought tears my eyes. The fact that perfect strangers can offer such kindnesses when those we love are capable of inflicting such hurt astounds me. My dear mother has lent me the cash to begin to invest in a replacement computer, though it may take years to rebuild the rig I once had.

To my fellow BB mods, thanks so much for your support. I couldn't actively carry on with the project not knowing what my PC situation was (this one I'm typing on is still only borrowed), however if I could still be considered a 'sleeper' mod until I get things straight I would be very grateful.

This week I have concentrated on two things in order to try and take my mind off things. The first is the redecoration of the spare room to which my husband thinks I must be banished. It's a nice enough room, but for some reason I've never liked it and as its light and bright was unsuitable for sleeping in during the day. (I only work night shifts). I love painting and decorating normally but this has been a thoroughly depressing project causing me to dislike the room even more.

The second was an even more unwelcome task as my car was broken into the night after I wrote my original post. Nothing was stolen and it was not the only car to be targeted, but the insurance company wanted to write the vehicle off and I have no way currently of affording a new one. Organising repairs and trying to sort out transport to work which I need to re-attend on Saturday have taken much of my time.

Being an dreadful OCD sufferer, I have been trying to tidy areas that I think will be potential triggers to my husband. He's a trained chef and as such has had always had general control over the kitchen area which is fine with me. I have removed any of mine or the dogs food which were clogging up the freezer. Not being able to write, I've also been manically watching TV, 'cleaning' all the old things I have saved from the Sky TV hard drive. Reading this back, it seems unreasonable, but at least it's something I can't be blamed for.

The good news is, tomorrow I hope to attend a meeting at 'Portsmouth Advice' which is a local branch of The Citizens Advice Bureau. I contacted them this morning and felt better for it, but whether I have the nerve or will to go through with it tomorrow is something else entirely. Somehow, talking face to face to someone about my troubles will make it all too real and I feel I will chicken out.

The bad news is, tomorrow is the last day that I have available to do anything positive for myself. On Saturday I will return to work (which generally zombifies me) and then my husband returns on Wednesday which I'm dreading. He's had these volatile spells before, but we've come through them and in the harsh light of day, he's conceded and become a reasonably normal person again. On this occasion, he's ignored me now for nearly three weeks and I found out today that he's been in contact with an estate agent (though I know no more than that whatsoever).

Please wish me well that I might actually make it to meet with the advice people. Your messages have made me feel more valued than I ever thought I could be. Thank you all for that you've said xx

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

Whenever you are ready to re-join us - you will be most welcome!

[loxleyprince.livejournal.com]

Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear things are so difficult for you now. I *DO* hope you met with the Citizens Advice Bureau people, because you really, really do need to know where you stand legally, and what redress you have to protect yourself from further abusive behaviour. It is unacceptable and outrageous that your husband thinks he can bully you out of your own home, so that is something you definitely need to discuss with the CAB people. If your husband wants out of the marriage, *he* should be the one to leave, not you.

There is not so much beauty in the world that you may squander yours, so please, please, please do not resort to those mixed meds again. We love you and value you and would miss you TERRIBLY (and your husband DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE LET OFF THE HOOK THAT EASILY.)

Get advice, dear. Find out from the CAB people what your rights are in law, and what your options are for staying safe, and then use that information to empower you.

And if you need moral support, or a shoulder to cry on, please don't forget we're all here for you, and on your side.