Where has my lovely life gone?
Mar. 7th, 2017 07:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boothrosTogether with my partner for 9 years and married for 8, I now find myself in a very lonely place.
My husband has told me he doesn't love me anymore and changed his Facebook status to 'separated'.
He's told me that the only reason I'm still living in this house is that I'm available to take care of our dogs. The house is in both our names, though he put in a huge deposit due to having a property to sell when we came to buy.
My husband has never hit me ever. He's blasted me with hitting words over the years but we've always laughed them off once our airs have cleared. This time, he punched me where he knew it would hurt the most. Enraged at some slight I must have performed, he proceeded to kill my laptop via hammer, blow torch and finally water. (He dumped it in the pond I built.)
Being a shy person, my laptop was my life outside of a life.
Once I wrote fan fiction, I made fan vids, I made digital art and I was a proud moderator of a big bang challenge. I also sorted out my husbands car and travel insurance, deciphered emails that he refused to read, wrote him a CV when he didn't have a job and generally did all the jobs that a person with a hugely expensive and well kept laptop could to help a non computer person out with.
The night he smashed up that computer a red mist descended and I threw a brick at his car in retaliation. I'll always be ashamed that I stooped to that level, but I paid for it dearly as when he saw what I'd done he manhandled me out of the house.
I slept in the porch and woke to the reality that the one I loved had thrown me out.
When I woke, I didn't want to live any more, I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
Throughout the day, I took nearly 150 mixed meds and just prayed to die quickly. It didn't happen, I couldn't even die properly. My sister found me after being put through hell after reading stupidly vague posts on Facebook sent from a virtually flat mobile phone.
I'm sorry for putting my loved ones through such trauma, though my situation hasn't really changed.
Husband works away for 3 weeks and in the last 2 he hasn't phoned. I wished him a happy birthday (his 50th) but he didn't respond.
I know husband wants me out of the house for good, but I have nowhere to go and I adore my home, it's my safe place. A good friend has lent me a laptop to write this on and I know I rarely post to LJ but I needed to get these words out.
I don't mind if the post is never read or responded to, I just had to write these words for me.
My husband has told me he doesn't love me anymore and changed his Facebook status to 'separated'.
He's told me that the only reason I'm still living in this house is that I'm available to take care of our dogs. The house is in both our names, though he put in a huge deposit due to having a property to sell when we came to buy.
My husband has never hit me ever. He's blasted me with hitting words over the years but we've always laughed them off once our airs have cleared. This time, he punched me where he knew it would hurt the most. Enraged at some slight I must have performed, he proceeded to kill my laptop via hammer, blow torch and finally water. (He dumped it in the pond I built.)
Being a shy person, my laptop was my life outside of a life.
Once I wrote fan fiction, I made fan vids, I made digital art and I was a proud moderator of a big bang challenge. I also sorted out my husbands car and travel insurance, deciphered emails that he refused to read, wrote him a CV when he didn't have a job and generally did all the jobs that a person with a hugely expensive and well kept laptop could to help a non computer person out with.
The night he smashed up that computer a red mist descended and I threw a brick at his car in retaliation. I'll always be ashamed that I stooped to that level, but I paid for it dearly as when he saw what I'd done he manhandled me out of the house.
I slept in the porch and woke to the reality that the one I loved had thrown me out.
When I woke, I didn't want to live any more, I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
Throughout the day, I took nearly 150 mixed meds and just prayed to die quickly. It didn't happen, I couldn't even die properly. My sister found me after being put through hell after reading stupidly vague posts on Facebook sent from a virtually flat mobile phone.
I'm sorry for putting my loved ones through such trauma, though my situation hasn't really changed.
Husband works away for 3 weeks and in the last 2 he hasn't phoned. I wished him a happy birthday (his 50th) but he didn't respond.
I know husband wants me out of the house for good, but I have nowhere to go and I adore my home, it's my safe place. A good friend has lent me a laptop to write this on and I know I rarely post to LJ but I needed to get these words out.
I don't mind if the post is never read or responded to, I just had to write these words for me.
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no subject
Date: 2017-03-08 03:31 pm (UTC)I am so sorry that you have been going through this. The first thing I want you to know, and I mean KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt is that his behavior is not your fault so please do not blame yourself for him treating you like this. It is very tempting, when someone we love starts to act poorly toward us, to take the blame on ourselves. However, you - and NO person - deserves to be treated this way.
Next, please recognize the value of your life. Please don't try to kill yourself. This is a heartbreaking time, you feel hopeless, but living through it, surviving it means, when you get beyond the sadness, there is the possibility for new happiness, a better relationship, an opportunity to spend your next ten years with someone who appreciates you and takes care of you instead of attacking you and your property.
I have been where you are in a relationship - scared and heartbroken too. But you are more valuable than you know and deserve happiness. And on the other side of this Hell I promise you will find happiness. You just have to be strong and get there. And trust me, you are very brave and stronger than you know.