Where has my lovely life gone?
Mar. 7th, 2017 07:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boothrosTogether with my partner for 9 years and married for 8, I now find myself in a very lonely place.
My husband has told me he doesn't love me anymore and changed his Facebook status to 'separated'.
He's told me that the only reason I'm still living in this house is that I'm available to take care of our dogs. The house is in both our names, though he put in a huge deposit due to having a property to sell when we came to buy.
My husband has never hit me ever. He's blasted me with hitting words over the years but we've always laughed them off once our airs have cleared. This time, he punched me where he knew it would hurt the most. Enraged at some slight I must have performed, he proceeded to kill my laptop via hammer, blow torch and finally water. (He dumped it in the pond I built.)
Being a shy person, my laptop was my life outside of a life.
Once I wrote fan fiction, I made fan vids, I made digital art and I was a proud moderator of a big bang challenge. I also sorted out my husbands car and travel insurance, deciphered emails that he refused to read, wrote him a CV when he didn't have a job and generally did all the jobs that a person with a hugely expensive and well kept laptop could to help a non computer person out with.
The night he smashed up that computer a red mist descended and I threw a brick at his car in retaliation. I'll always be ashamed that I stooped to that level, but I paid for it dearly as when he saw what I'd done he manhandled me out of the house.
I slept in the porch and woke to the reality that the one I loved had thrown me out.
When I woke, I didn't want to live any more, I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
Throughout the day, I took nearly 150 mixed meds and just prayed to die quickly. It didn't happen, I couldn't even die properly. My sister found me after being put through hell after reading stupidly vague posts on Facebook sent from a virtually flat mobile phone.
I'm sorry for putting my loved ones through such trauma, though my situation hasn't really changed.
Husband works away for 3 weeks and in the last 2 he hasn't phoned. I wished him a happy birthday (his 50th) but he didn't respond.
I know husband wants me out of the house for good, but I have nowhere to go and I adore my home, it's my safe place. A good friend has lent me a laptop to write this on and I know I rarely post to LJ but I needed to get these words out.
I don't mind if the post is never read or responded to, I just had to write these words for me.
My husband has told me he doesn't love me anymore and changed his Facebook status to 'separated'.
He's told me that the only reason I'm still living in this house is that I'm available to take care of our dogs. The house is in both our names, though he put in a huge deposit due to having a property to sell when we came to buy.
My husband has never hit me ever. He's blasted me with hitting words over the years but we've always laughed them off once our airs have cleared. This time, he punched me where he knew it would hurt the most. Enraged at some slight I must have performed, he proceeded to kill my laptop via hammer, blow torch and finally water. (He dumped it in the pond I built.)
Being a shy person, my laptop was my life outside of a life.
Once I wrote fan fiction, I made fan vids, I made digital art and I was a proud moderator of a big bang challenge. I also sorted out my husbands car and travel insurance, deciphered emails that he refused to read, wrote him a CV when he didn't have a job and generally did all the jobs that a person with a hugely expensive and well kept laptop could to help a non computer person out with.
The night he smashed up that computer a red mist descended and I threw a brick at his car in retaliation. I'll always be ashamed that I stooped to that level, but I paid for it dearly as when he saw what I'd done he manhandled me out of the house.
I slept in the porch and woke to the reality that the one I loved had thrown me out.
When I woke, I didn't want to live any more, I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
Throughout the day, I took nearly 150 mixed meds and just prayed to die quickly. It didn't happen, I couldn't even die properly. My sister found me after being put through hell after reading stupidly vague posts on Facebook sent from a virtually flat mobile phone.
I'm sorry for putting my loved ones through such trauma, though my situation hasn't really changed.
Husband works away for 3 weeks and in the last 2 he hasn't phoned. I wished him a happy birthday (his 50th) but he didn't respond.
I know husband wants me out of the house for good, but I have nowhere to go and I adore my home, it's my safe place. A good friend has lent me a laptop to write this on and I know I rarely post to LJ but I needed to get these words out.
I don't mind if the post is never read or responded to, I just had to write these words for me.
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no subject
Date: 2017-03-08 09:14 am (UTC)But I also wanted to say (based on personal experience here) I understand how you are feeling - at your very lowest, full of pain and despair and the hurt of this betrayal, and a wish simply not to go on. It's understandable; deeply, deeply understandable. I went through two years of absolute hell, with my life and emotions turned upside down, before things got on an even keel. REMEMBER! It's not a sign of weakness or failure in YOU that you feel like this - it's because of the deep betrayal that you've been attacked by.
What I failed to do at the time, and which I think contributed to my unravelling, was that I didn't get enough medical help. A friend insisted I go to the GP right away, but he was very dismissive and just said "come back when you are feeling worse." Excuse me??? At that point I was still shell-shocked. I had no idea of what was to come. Consequently I pushed on in my misery until I was in a state of complete collapse, in the blackest depression, but not understanding what depression was. Finally, on one terrible morning, I went back, to another GP, was heard sympathetically and given some meds that helped enormously in getting me to view the world in a balanced way, and able to get on with life, and really make strides on my own.
So I would say to you, go to your GP, don't stint in explaining *exactly* how you feel (not being British and stiff-upper-lipped about it is more likely to make them react), and don't leave the surgery until you get proper attention, and help in understanding how this may affect you and what they can do to get you through it.
The other thing I will say now, because it was a profound thing for me, was I remember my lovely boss at the time (female, of course...) said to me "It's times like these when you find out who your friends are, and they will be the ones who pull you through." It sounds very trite, but it was absolutely true for me, and it will be for you. too. You have loads of friends, not least here on LJ, and we are always around for you. Remember that.