![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I wrote the linked story for a Big Bang challenge in 2015.
I never liked it and still don’t, but I certainly had plenty of source material to work from.
Basically, this story was written about my life. The Ray Doyle character was born from my own feelings. All of the characters in the house were based on real people. All the things that Ray Doyle felt, I felt myself.
The ‘baddy’ character was my husband though I couldn’t face up to the fact at the time.
I wanted to be the Doyle I wrote. I wanted to be thin, devoted and lovely. I was none of these things. I was fat, lazy and horrible.
The story was an omen however. The abuse that Doyle suffered, I eventually suffered myself as I somehow knew I always would. There had always been little signs. Well whopping great big ones if you consider my husband cheating on me and dragging me out of my bed when I refused to leave ‘his’ house and our marriage. It was only at the very last when I was forced to call for police help in order to survive that I finally admitted defeat. Marriage obviously meant more to me than it did my husband.
My shame is, that I took my feelings out on my muse, Ray Doyle. I wrote him completely OOC and try to turn him into a person that he’ll never ever be. (Hopefully, I made up for that error when I wrote ‘My Time’ and wrote Doyle about half right).
The good thing is, I read part of my story the other day (purely by accident) and I didn’t cringe so much. I won’t take it down from A03 as its part of a challenge, but I don’t feel the need to revisit it again.
The Bodie character in the story represents the friends, relatives and organisations that pulled me out of the situation was I in and put me where I am now.
At last I can look at that story and see it as a memory rather than a reflection. I’ll post a link, though I’d rather you didn’t read it if you haven’t before. I’d much rather you read something I was really proud of. I’m not proud of this story, I’m ashamed of it.
I’m not ashamed of myself however, (finally). I’m now in the place I was born to be in. Living on my own, pleasing myself, doing what I love, talking to who I choose and answering to nobody.
Hopefully now that I don’t have to devote half my life to someone who never really cared anyway, I can spend more time studying Live Journal and the fascinating people who frequent it.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/8136871
I never liked it and still don’t, but I certainly had plenty of source material to work from.
Basically, this story was written about my life. The Ray Doyle character was born from my own feelings. All of the characters in the house were based on real people. All the things that Ray Doyle felt, I felt myself.
The ‘baddy’ character was my husband though I couldn’t face up to the fact at the time.
I wanted to be the Doyle I wrote. I wanted to be thin, devoted and lovely. I was none of these things. I was fat, lazy and horrible.
The story was an omen however. The abuse that Doyle suffered, I eventually suffered myself as I somehow knew I always would. There had always been little signs. Well whopping great big ones if you consider my husband cheating on me and dragging me out of my bed when I refused to leave ‘his’ house and our marriage. It was only at the very last when I was forced to call for police help in order to survive that I finally admitted defeat. Marriage obviously meant more to me than it did my husband.
My shame is, that I took my feelings out on my muse, Ray Doyle. I wrote him completely OOC and try to turn him into a person that he’ll never ever be. (Hopefully, I made up for that error when I wrote ‘My Time’ and wrote Doyle about half right).
The good thing is, I read part of my story the other day (purely by accident) and I didn’t cringe so much. I won’t take it down from A03 as its part of a challenge, but I don’t feel the need to revisit it again.
The Bodie character in the story represents the friends, relatives and organisations that pulled me out of the situation was I in and put me where I am now.
At last I can look at that story and see it as a memory rather than a reflection. I’ll post a link, though I’d rather you didn’t read it if you haven’t before. I’d much rather you read something I was really proud of. I’m not proud of this story, I’m ashamed of it.
I’m not ashamed of myself however, (finally). I’m now in the place I was born to be in. Living on my own, pleasing myself, doing what I love, talking to who I choose and answering to nobody.
Hopefully now that I don’t have to devote half my life to someone who never really cared anyway, I can spend more time studying Live Journal and the fascinating people who frequent it.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/8136871
